Tag Archives: humour

Conversations With My “Stalker”

I’ve mentioned here before that I recently had to move. As it turns out, it was just in time, because I’ve recently acquired my very own nuisance caller – someone I met a few times (through a friend) and who had visited my old address on a couple of occasions (neither of them know my new address).

In general, I’d question the intelligence of anyone who thinks it’s a grand idea to phone a relative stranger dozens of times a day, but you really have to marvel – and then make fun of – the thought process that resulted in the following conversation taking place with them. (I’m trying to maintain some sort of dignified image here, so I’ve removed all instances of my swearing at them, and slightly altered how I answered the phone… Also, I don’t sit on my couch like that. Everything else is, unfortunately, an accurate account of the conversation).

Obviously this person is disturbed and needs help. I hope they get it. In the meantime, I maintain the right to find the humour in the situation.



Not Until You’re Doomed

Probably don’t need much of an explanation here. Maybe a few excuses – I went for all the most obvious jokes, which is either totally inspired genius or pretty darn lame. I don’t care. I do these things for my own amusement.

That’s a lie, actually – they’re not all obvious, as there’s a couple of in-jokes (the book and the guy on the bike) specifically for the one or two other people who might find it mildly amusing. Unless I explain them, or something.

By the way, my friend at Binge Cringe Whinge has reviewed this album already – a recommended read if you’re even mildly curious to know what it’s all about.

This is standard practice the world over – that ridiculous, universal phenomenon of withholding nifty rewards like chocolate ice cream until after you’ve eaten all the horrible stuff on your plate and you’re not hungry anymore.

That postman was supposed to appear in the last panel like some kind of guru, or zen master. Bitstrips just wouldn’t let me make that – and may other things – happen. So, he just looks like an over-excited chipmunk.

The “interesting” book is Sex & The Paranormal by Paul Deane. Yes I have it – it cost me $1 and now I know all sorts of weird stuff about succubi, demons, ghosts and monsters that have a human fetish. Or vice versa. $1 is a small price to pay for such knowledge. Unless someone you actually know knows you know. Then it’s just weird.

The guy on the bike… was not my mailman. Just some random dude who rode past my house with his own package in his hand.

I repeat: I do these things for my own amusement.


How Much “Maw” Do You Want?

I know I already mentioned this a while back, but I received a copy of Maw just the other day, thus completing my Her Name Is Calla collection (from The White and The Skin onwards, anyway); so to celebrate, I went Bitstripping at 2 in the morning.

That actually sounds a little nasty, but you know what I mean. I hope. If not, Bitstrips is where anyone with or without talent can produce comic strips like the one above in a mere matter of moments.

It is perhaps a travesty how easy the internet makes it to convince myself I have awesome comic powers and then foist the results on my readers, but I promise I’m trying to use said “powers” for good and not evil…mostly.

As always, the cover art for the EP is something special unto itself, and Denovali have done a great job bringing it all to life with simple, but top quality packaging.

The limited clear gold and black haze vinyl editions  (100 originally available) sold out pretty quick, but you can still get the standard black vinyl edition (200 originally available) . This won’t be re-pressed, so once it’s gone your only option will be to grab the download from the Bandcamp page. Which you can anytime, anyway.

Get the vinyl here or here.


Playing With Briefs

Following on from my last post on the subject of music used in advertising, I decided to take a another look through all the ad briefs I’ve been sent, since they were what sparked my interest on the subject in the first place.

These briefs detail the brands and products, then lay out the specifications for the type of song they’re looking for, the effect they want it to achieve, and/or – most commonly – the original song they want to rip off. In the interest of something akin to benevolence, I’m going to leave out any identifying details.

Here’s one that stuck out a mile, for an alcoholic beverage:

…they’re looking for a replace for Bob Dylan’s ‘I Shall Be Released’…something with a similar ‘slightly bittersweet tone’. (It)…tells the story of a paralympian pushing himself as hard as possible to be the best triathlete in his field. All very emoting.”

Leaving the concept aside… No, wait. Really? An ad for alcohol about a paralympian pushing himself to be the best? Last I checked, every single ad that has come before involving both an alcoholic beverage and a paraplegic was doing the opposite of advertising alcohol. Did the dudes think this one through? If advertising actually has the effect on us that those in the field suggest, then paraplegic + alcohol = inspiration & motivation to improve skill is not a compatible equation to most people. More like alcohol + inflated sense of skill = paraplegic.

It was at that point, owing to the sheer ridiculousness of the concept (at least on paper), my mind started wondering and – in a chain of thought I doubt I’ll need to explain – found myself on a site called Bitstrips

Alcohol¹ + internet + a list of ad briefs = inflated sense of comedic ability and literally minutes of time wasted on creating characters & comic strips.

So here’s the sexy results.

Brief 1.

Product: Beer

“What we are looking for is an undiscovered gem. Somewhere out there is the next big thing/track and that is what we’re after. Something cool, contemporary and fresh. In a nutshell – fresh, hot, undiscovered, next big thing, unknown genius – we are open to a wide net of options”

Unknown Genius knows no bounds

Brief 2:

Product: Mouthwash

They’re basically looking for a track that sounds like I’ll Be Your Mirror by The Velvet Underground. They like it as it’s haunting and moving

Mouthwash haunted by the ghost of Velvet Underground past


Brief 3:

Product: Home Furnishings

This brief is for a new piece of [product name] music for the next 2 or 3 years. We are looking for an uplifting track with a positive feel. The music needs to have a relaxed pace and in some part (or throughout) be distinctive, engaging and emotionally resonate with people too. It is imperative that it contains a distinctive hook that can be used as the signature opening/ending or part of the radio 10” Ad or 30” TV commercial. We need the hook to become the signature of [product name] communication over the next 2 to 3 years.

(It)…should be available for re-composition depending upon the time of year (allowing a Christmas version or summer feel to the track). A ‘whistle’ in the track would help with continuity but is not a pre-requisite of the music. The track must work equally well on a 10 second radio Ad as on a TV commercial and be memorable even when used alongside a packed voice over.

…they are after something a little more “emotive” than the current track… They would like something with a build for the longer form TV ads.”


1. Ok, so there was no alcohol comsumed during the making of this post.  I’m sorry. I know they’re lame, but I couldn’t help myself and I promise I’ll never do it again, I’ve got it out of my system now…. Probably.